Monday, October 23, 2017

Posmen / Postman

Seorang posmen yang datang menghantar surat.
" Assalamualaikum "
" Walaikumsalam "
" Ni rumah encik encik Sameon ye?
" Ya saya"
" Poning kepala saya mencari alamat rumah encik ni "
" Buat susah aje encik nie! Apsal tak pos aje

------------

A postman came in to send a letter.
"Assalamualaikum"
"Walaikumsalam "
"Is this the home of Sameon?
" Yes its me"
"My headaches look for my home address"
"Do not worry about it, why not post it"

Polis / Police

3 org menaiki motor dan ditahan polis trafik. Namun pemandu motor tersebut tidak berhenti. Katanya, 'Tak Muat Dah Tok, Kami dah bertiga !!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

3 people boarded motorcycles and were arrested by traffic police. But the motorcyclist did not stop. He said, ''No Load Tok, We've been three !!!

Buku / Book

Suami : Kenapa Sayang menangis?
Isteri : Saya telah baca sebuah buku. Sad endinglah bang..
Suami :: Buku apa?
Isteri : Buku bank abanglah..

-----------------------

Husband: Why are you crying?
Wife: I have read a book. Sad ending ..
Husband: What book?
Wife: Your bank account book  ..

British English vs. Malaysian English / Bahasa Inggeris Inggeris vs Malaysia Bahasa Inggeris

Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.


WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS

Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysians: No stock.


RETURNING A CALL

Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?

Malaysians: Hello, who call?


ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY

Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me.


WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY

Britons: Hey! Put your wallet away, this drink is on me..

Malaysians: No need lah.


WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION


Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?


WHEN ENTERTAINING

Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!


WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE

Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?


WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER

Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.

Malaysians: Don't want lah.


IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION

Britons: Err...Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.

Malaysians: You mad ah?


WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.

Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shut up lah!


WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.

Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?

Malaysians: See what, see what?


WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED

Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?

Malaysians: What happened ah? Why like that one ah?


WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG

Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.

Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!


WHEN ONE IS ANGRY

Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me?

Malaysians: Celaka you!

------------------------------

Siapa kata bahasa Inggeris kita teruk? Cuma baca di bawah - Kami adalah mudah, pendek, ringkas, terus-ke-titik, berkesan dan sebagainya.


APABILA MEMBERI BERITA BELAS PELANGGAN

Britons: Saya minta maaf, tuan, tetapi kami tidak sepatutnya mempunyai sweater yang anda mahu dalam saiz anda, tetapi jika anda memberi saya seketika, saya boleh menghubungi kedai lain untuk anda.

Rakyat Malaysia: Tiada stok.


MEMULUNGKAN CALL

Britons: Halo, ini John Smith. Adakah sesiapa memanggil saya beberapa saat lalu?

Rakyat Malaysia: Halo, siapa yang memanggil?


MEMERLUKAN SELESAI UNTUK MEMUASKAN

Britons: Maafkan saya, saya ingin dapatkan. Bolehkah anda membuat jalan?

Rakyat Malaysia: S-kew saya.


APABILA SELESAI TAWARAN UNTUK MEMBAYAR

Britons: Hei! Letakkan dompet anda, minuman ini ada padaku ..

Rakyat Malaysia: Tidak perlu lah.


KEPADA MEMENUHI KEBENARAN


Britons: Maafkan saya, tetapi adakah anda fikir saya mungkin masuk ke pintu ini?

Rakyat Malaysia: (menunjuk ke pintu) Bolehkah ah?


WHEN ENTERTAINING

Britons: Sila buat sendiri di rumah.

Rakyat Malaysia: Tidak perlu malu satu lah!


WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE

Britons: Saya tidak ingat anda memberi saya wang itu.

Rakyat Malaysia: Di mana?


KETIKA MENINGKATKAN TAWARAN

Britons: Saya lebih suka tidak melakukannya, jika anda tidak keberatan.

Rakyat Malaysia: Tidak mahu lah.


DALAM MENYETUJUI BAHAGIAN PERBINCANGAN

Britons: Err ... Tom, saya terpaksa berhenti di sana. Saya faham di mana anda datang, tetapi saya benar-benar tidak bersetuju dengan apa yang anda katakan tentang isu ini.

Rakyat Malaysia: Kamu gila?


APABILA MEMERGADAKAN SESUATU SENDIRI MEREKA.

Britons: Maafkan saya, tetapi bolehkah anda menurunkan suara anda? Saya cuba menumpukan perhatian di sini.

Rakyat Malaysia: Shut up lah!


KEPADA MENGGUNAKAN SEMUA JIKA JIKA ANDA / SHE MENGETAHUI ANDA.

Britons: Maafkan saya, tetapi saya perhatikan bahawa anda menatap saya untuk kadang-kadang. Adakah saya mengenali awak?

Rakyat Malaysia: Lihat apa, lihat apa?


APABILA SELURUHKAN MENGENAI APA YANG TELAH DITEMUKAN

Britons: Adakah seseorang memberitahu saya apa yang baru saja berlaku?

Rakyat Malaysia: Apa yang berlaku ah? Mengapa seperti itu ah?


APABILA SESUATU SESUAI SESUAI

Britons: Ini bukan cara untuk melakukannya. Di sini, izinkan saya menunjukkan kepada anda.

Rakyat Malaysia: Seperti itu juga tidak tahu bagaimana untuk melakukannya!


WHEN ONE IS ANGRY

Britons: Adakah anda tidak keberatan mengganggu saya?

Rakyat Malaysia: Celaka awak!

Pak Pandir Pakai Kondom / Mr. Pandir Use Condoms

Pada suatu hari Pak Pandir mengadu pada doktor:
“Doktor, dulu doktor kata kalau pakai itu kondom, Mak Andeh saya tak boleh beranak, tapi selepas saya pakai, dia beranak juga, sudah berduyun-duyun anak saya.”

Tanya doktor:
“Pakcik pakai kondom itu betulkah caranya?”

Jawab Pak Pandir:
“Saya pakai betul pada tempatnya, cumanya saya ini orang Islam, bila saya tengok kondom itu tidak bersunat,saya pun sunatkanlah (khatankan)…”

---------------

One day Mr. Pandir complained to the doctor:
"Doctor, the doctor used to say if it was a condom, Mak Andeh I can not give birth, but after I used it, she gave birth, too many children."

Ask doctor:
"Are you using the condom right?"

Answer Mr. Pandas:
"I'm right in the place, I'm a Muslim, when I see the condom is uncircumcised, I am circumcised (circumcised) ..."

Pernahkah anda terfikir jika pekara ini berlaku ke atas anda? / Have you ever wondered if this happened to you?

Saya berada di sebuah restoran semalam. Tiba-tiba saya rasa macam nak terkentut.
Muzik yang dipsang di restoran itu kuat, jadi saya melepaskan kentut saya mengikut alunan irama muzik itu.

Selepas beberapa minit saya berasa lega.

Saya menghabiskan minuman saya, semasa bangun dari tempat duduk saya lihat orang sekeliling memandang saya dengan muka yang masam...

Baru saya sedar rupa-rupanya saya dengar muzik dari ipod saya… :-(

------------

I was in an overnight restaurant. Suddenly I felt like I was frowning.
The music played in the restaurant was loud, so I let go of my fart in the rhythm of the music.

After a few minutes I was relieved.

I spent my drink, when I got up from the seat I saw people around looking at me with a sour face ...

Recently I realized that I heard music from my ipod ... :-(

Kunci Kereta / Car keys

Oleh kerana terlalu gembira, Ah Beng tertinggal kunci kereta dalam keretanya. Menyedari kesilapannya Ah Beng berkata,

"Apa kata kita gunakan penyangkut baju untuk buka pintu kereta?"

"Tak boleh," jawab Ah Seng. "Nanti orang fikir kita terlalu bodoh... sampai gunakan penyangkut baju."

Kemudian Ah Beng pula berkata, "Ah.. aku dapat idea, apa kata kalau kita gunakan pisau, kita potong getah pintu kereta ini kemudian kita masukkan jari untuk tarik kunci tingkap."

"Tak boleh, nanti orang fikir kita hendak curi kereta."

"Kan Cheong!" jerit Ah Beng. "Kita mesti fikir cepat, hujan dah nak turun... sunroof terbuka!!!"

--------

Due to being too happy, Ah Beng left the car lock in his car. Recognizing his mistake Ah Beng said,

"Why do we use clothes hangers to open the car door?"

"No," replied Ah Seng. "Then people think we're too stupid ... to use clothes hangers."

Then Ah Beng said, "Ah .. I got an idea, what if we use a knife, we cut the car door then we put the finger to pull the window lock."

"No, we think people want to steal cars."

"Kan Cheong!" Ah Beng shouted. "We must think fast, rain is down ... sunroof open !!!"